I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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