She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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