You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
