this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
