I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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