I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
