i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
