and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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