gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
