i permit you to call me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
