Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
