If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Sober January is a disaster.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
