I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
