I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
