New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
