Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
