What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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