decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
