roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
