So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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