I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
