Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
