I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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