we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think i got beer on your cat.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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