What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
