I must be too annoying 4 u.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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