Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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