When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
