Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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