She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
