I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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