I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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