You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
