He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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