hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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