i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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