If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
