I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
They are going to name an STD after you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
