i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
