Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
