We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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