I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
