the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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