Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
