You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
