Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
