if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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