I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
