why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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