Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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