Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."