I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?