im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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