I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
