ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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