yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The air taste purple.
Randomize
