Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
